Hi Ho Hi Ho…

After 11 weeks to do as I please (which was hardly anything because of the foot!) this week I got the call to say I was no longer regarded as a health and safety risk and I could go back to work! My first reaction was to yell yippee, then I had a sit down, thought about it and seriously wished it wasn’t happening.

I’d settled into a nice new routine and was enjoying the time to myself and increased time with Georgia and I didn’t like the idea of that changing. In my head I work part time because I have Thursday at home but in reality that’s a 30 hour (usually more) week, in a very busy, often pressured environment. I looked around the house and saw mess and began to panic when I was ever going to have chance to tidy or clean. Don’t get me wrong I refuse to bust a gut trying to keep our home clean and tidy each day because I get so frustrated when its dirty and messy again within hours (Mr L is a plasterer so dust follows him and he is not a tidy person!) but working again would mean I’d have to spend my day off at home armed with a duster and vacuum and not having fun with little miss. Instead of always eating after 9pm, we’ve been able to sit as a family even if little miss barely ate anything we were all together with food in front of us.

There was a list of things I’d wanted to do whilst I was at home. Books I’d not managed to read yet, a jigsaw still in the wrapper. Not to mention the spare ‘bedroom’, piled high with boxes and our old bed propped against the wall. I’d thought about selling my wedding dress but hadn’t gotten any further than thinking about it.

And what about my blog! I was just starting out and needed to be home, reading, writing, sharing. Working on getting new followers and likes on social media. How was I going to fit everything in when I was back at work.

Then I thought about seeing my friends at work and how much I had missed the conversations we had and the burden they may have faced. Although I work closely with other colleagues I am the only person doing the job I do and I take pride in that, I feel a sense of responsibility and didn’t like that my being away would add to anybody else’s already overflowing to do list.

This time last year I was returning to work after 11 months maternity leave and although it was hard leaving little miss in the very capable hands of Grandma and Grandad L, I had looked forward to being Kelly again. Within months of being back I took a promotion and added another couple of hours to the working week. The guilt of being a working mum now hits me in waves. When I had to change my days and put Georgia in nursery 1 morning a week I felt like the worst person in the world. She hated it for the first 2 months and cried throughout her time there and it was all my fault for working Fridays. When I’m late home from work, or when I have to drop her off super early I feel bad for Georgia and her grandparents.

I then look at the person little miss is and although I would love to be a SAHM I also know I’m not that type of mum and I doubt she would have the personality she has and do all the things she does if I was home each day. I don’t (can’t) bake, I’m not particularly artistic either. I took her to every baby and toddler group in our village when I was on maternity but only because Grandma L took Georgia’s cousin too. I didn’t feel comfortable with the cliques and struggled to make conversation with the other mums. She has made friends at nursery and has a fantastic relationship with all her grandparents and her cousins.

So after agreeing to go back on short 5 hour days for the immediate future, I am now determined to better juggle being Kelly/Mummy/Wife, making the most of my time with Georgia, looking after our home and working in 2015 and beyond. So don’t be surprised if you see Mr L armed with the duster or vacuum, or me not listening when he says I’ll have to cut back on the blog he he

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Are you worried about Georgia?

Mr L and I enjoyed some adult time on Saturday with family and we were able to leave Georgia in the hands of Grandma and Grandad L for the day/night. I consider us very lucky to both have parents who are very ‘hands on’ when it comes to little miss, which means I can work and we get a great balance of family time and mummy/daddy time.

While out I was asked whether I was worried about Georgia and without hesitation I was able to say no. Being worried about Georgia when she’s not in my care is an emotion I’ve never had. Instead I explained I worried more about her behaving and not causing any trouble for whoever was caring for her. I want whoever spends time with her to get as much joy and enjoyment as I get being with her (without any toddler tantrums). Whether that be grandparent, auntie, uncle, godparent or friend.

From her being a tiny baby its always been that way. She first ‘slept out’ at my mum and dads when she was 2 weeks old and as new parents we seized the opportunity to get some much needed sleep. At no point did I worry about Georgia. I worried how my parents would feel having broken sleep and having to deal with night feeds almost 30 years after their own children, I worried whether her crying would disturb my sister, the neighbours or upset the dog. When thinking about Georgia the only thing I did do was miss her, I wanted to know everything she was doing and when so I still felt involved.

Having been asked the question on Saturday, I’ve thought about why I don’t worry about her, and wondered whether I should. Was I being irresponsible by not, was I being naïve as a new mum. I know many mummies who wouldn’t dream of letting their child sleep out at 12 months let alone 2 weeks but I’d had no difficulty…did that make me a ‘bad’ mum. Without hesitation I find myself saying no again. I’ve realised over the weekend I don’t worry about Georgia in this way because there is no need. I may have no problem entrusting somebody else to look after my little girl, but that doesn’t mean anybody can do it. Since finding out I was pregnant she has been the most precious thing in my life and I know I would only leave her if I was totally certain. I don’t doubt somebody else can look after her as well if not better than me and they often do. I also like to think being ‘passed around’ has helped make her the sociable, outgoing little girl she is. These days I still miss her, but I enjoy the time to be Kelly too and feel very fortunate I can have both. She’ll hopefully always need her mummy, but its ok if she wants, grandma, grandad, auntie, uncle, godparent or friend too!

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